Patch and writing by Dar Williams, singer/songwriter and long-time inspiration for me

My name is Dar Williams, I’m about to turn 35, and I’m a singer/songwriter. Here’s why I made this patch.

Two years ago, I finally addressed a vicious circle that threatened to define my life: I would worry about how I was spending my time. I was living tentatively, in fear of “wasting time.” This worrying did waste my time. And so I would worry… and waste more time.

I finally asked, “Do I deserve to be alive or not? Do I deserve to live without looking over my shoulder all the time?” A little voice answered, explaining that I probably wasn’t doing too much harm, seeing as my career was mostly a “clean” industry, I drove a fuel efficient car, used recycled toilet paper and composted. It was a thin, anemic voice, bargaining my right to live in exchange for my vow not to pollute the world too much. I was horrified. This voice was so full of shame and trepidation.

Like a bolt from the sky, an angel zoomed into my periphery, spewing obscene language. “What the hell does anyone know about your life? Of course you deserve to be here, and you deserve to kick ass.” With the help of this voice, I reconfigured myself as the agent of my life. I lived with a new belief: go forward, and assume that my life makes sense.

I always thought I was missing the “respect” in self-respect. This angel taught me I was missing the “self” in self-respect. I discovered a depth of self-respect that is the cornerstone of my activism and art.

As with many people, trusting my own autonomy occurred paradoxically with a faith in God and God’s design. That’s why I chose the chambered nautilus for my quilt patch. One can look at her life as a series of lopsided, mismatched rooms, or she can trust that the whole will make sense of all the parts. I am so much happier than I used to be, because I can trust that every odd-shaped compartment of my life has a function.

It is still my nature to worry, but I have a measure of self-compassion that, above all, I want to share with other people. So I will assume that all that worrying I did was part of The Big Plan, too.